“Hey. I know that you’re probably curious about bodies. I was when I was your age, too. There are places where it’s totally reasonable to look for bodies. Anatomy books. Art and sculpture. The encyclopedia. Honestly, even if you look for still images on Google, I totally get it. But please know that to me, protecting your brain means not looking at videos of people having sex. These videos set really unrealistic expectations for what love, intimacy, and sex look like, and it’s really important right now that you make an accurate mental map of what sex and relationships are. So please don’t look at videos of sex on the internet, because there are some things that your brain can’t unsee.”
“It’s important to me that you know what your own boundaries are around images that you might be looking for on the internet. What are your boundaries? Some of the boundaries you might want to consider is knowing when to say ‘I don’t want to see that, please don’t show me,’ because at your age, it’s not unlikely that your friends will see something they find exciting or interesting or shocking and they’ll want to show you. And it’s okay to say ‘abso-freaking-lutely not.’ ”
“When I was a kid, one of the things that I had to be careful of was romance novels, because there are some books that portray romance and sex in inaccurate, misleading, and genuinely harmful ways. One of the popular genres were books referred to as ‘bodice rippers’ because they involved acts that weren’t entirely consensual—the hero would rip the dress of the heroine while he was ‘overpowering’ her. These books made it seem like that was normal and expected, but we know it’s not. So just be careful of your boundaries and protecting your brain, even when you’re reading stuff that’s exciting, because you can find some really shocking stuff on the internet and even in some books.”
Pornography Is Not Real Sex
Part of the reason porn is such a problem is because it doesn’t represent people as they usually are, which create so many unrealistic expectations about body type, hair, size, flexibility, and more. We see escalations in exploration and engagement with kink that are misrepresentative of the safest ways to practice the kink. As you know, kids learn by modeling, and it’s not unreasonable to worry that frequent exposures to these misrepresentations and mischaracterizations of partners and sex may contribute to kids having unrealistic expectations about their partners in real life, and having unrealistic ideas of what a sexual relationship entails. On more than one occasion I’ve discussed with young clients how they felt their sexual encounters needed to frequently and consistently escalate. “I mean, nobody does just vanilla sex. It’s not a thing, you know? That’s so boring.” When questioned about where this attitude came from, the answer was pretty simple: TV, other media, and porn. These young people were convinced that in order to have sex that was exciting and satisfying, they had to be acting like the actors they saw on their screens.
Viewing porn—specifically on ad-supported sites or on the dark web rather than pay sites—gives the creators traffic and potentially money. If the videos people watch are created using unethical means, that traffic and money might encourage the creators to make more. I know that I do not want myself or my children to be participating in a system that hurts people or that’s actively harmful. Unfortunately, the money-and-power side of pornography isn’t necessarily the first thing people think about when they get curious about sex and porn—they look first, ask questions later. By including some of these ethical dilemmas in my conversations with my children, I hope I can persuade them to understand this: Part of the reason it’s really not a good idea to be looking on the internet for porn videos, particularly on ad-supported free sites or via downloads on the dark web, is that each click and each view has the potential to perpetuate human harm.
It would be naive of me to assume that encouraging my children toward still images, art, anatomy books, and similar would result in them exclusively looking at those sources. So as much as it pains me, I have included a discussion of what seem to be the least actively harmful places to look for videos, if they should find themselves curious.
Older Adolescence (ages 13+)
“Hey, we’ve talked before about how you should really avoid watching pornographic videos on the internet, and I want to make sure you understand why, especially now that you’re starting to date. Most of the people who make those videos are not portraying sex, intimacy, and relationships accurately. Just like actors in movies we see at the theater have special effects and makeup and all kinds of stuff to make them look a certain way, people in pornography are not true representations of what most people look like naked. Beyond that, the way that sex happens in porn videos is not what sex is like in real life. Remember the Five Pillars of Safe Sex we talked about: confirmation, communication, protection, lubrication, and enthusiastic participation. They do not exist in most porn, and that’s a problem, especially as you’re trying to figure out what sex is supposed to be like.”
“It might make you feel weird to talk about this, but we need to chat about why porn is a problem, beyond the fact that it’s inaccurate. And not because it exists at all, but because so much of it is produced unethically. What that means is that people who are in those videos aren’t always in those videos with their full consent. Sometimes the people in the videos are doing the videos because they’re feeling really pressured, because they want love and approval, because they need money, or because they’re addicted to drugs. In the worst cases, they don’t want to be in those videos at all. It’s not even coercion, it’s rape. I don’t want you to be watching those videos because I do not want you to be building your mental expectations of sex based on examples that do not include consent.”
Curiosity, Safety, and the Law (ages 11+)
”All right, I’m letting you have a phone, and I know you’re super excited about it. You’ve been waiting for a while, and you’ve done a lot to show me that you’re responsible enough to have one. That being said, I want you to know there are some rules. I have the passwords to everything, and I can check your phone at any point. I will not dig super deep into what you’re doing on the phone. Like, I don’t need to know what you and Ashley are planning every night or talking about, or the bands you’re into. I trust that you’ll share with me what you want to share with me. But I do need to know that you’re making safe choices about what you share with other people. And I need to know that people aren’t sending you things that are not good for your brain. These rules will relax as you get older, but as a new phone user, it can be really tempting to do things that are against what you know to be right. And these devices are made to be addictive and to, like, bait you into doing stuff. So I’ll help you learn how to use it, and as you show me that you’re making good choices, we’ll revisit the rules. Sound good?”
“Hey, nerd, is there anything you can do to make me stop loving you? No. You’re right. There’s nothing you can do to make me stop loving you. I’m saying that because I want to remind you that if you see something on the internet, like if you’re looking for stuff and you see something that scares you, I want you to know that you can and should tell me. I’m here to be your safe grown-up, and to help you process things that freak you out. I can’t help you if I don’t know it happened. So you can absolutely come to me and tell me if you’ve seen something that scares you, and I promise you will not get in trouble. We might have to make adjustments to boundaries, but you’re not going to get punished.”
“Hey, kid—pop quiz! The internet is what? Forever. Correct. What does that mean? Yes, it means that you should not put things on the internet that you wouldn’t want your Nana to read, because Future You will probably be very upset that Past You put them on the internet. It also means that you need to be really thoughtful about what you take pictures of and what you share with people. Because here’s the deal: Naked pictures of your body are considered child pornography, and that’s illegal. They should not exist on your phone or anyone else’s phone, even if you took them and sent them to your partner who is the same age as you.”
“Reminder—if someone sends you pictures of themselves naked, or somebody else naked, I need you to let me know immediately. Seriously—any pictures, videos … any naked or nearly naked bodies at all. It’s illegal when you’re a minor. I know it might be tempting to share pictures of your body, and when you become an adult that will be your business. But you and your friends are minors—pictures of y’all in any state of undress are literally illegal. Further, if people are sending you pictures of someone else, that’s super questionable, because that other person likely didn’t consent and there may be some legal ramifications for sending the picture. There are laws and rules and ethics about all of this, and I want you to tell me if anything like this ever happens because it would be unfair and wrong of me to ask you to figure out how to handle that on your own.”
What Is Grooming, Anyway? (ages 12+)
“Dude, I get it. You’re angry with me. Your friends have social media and you don’t. Firstly, you are not thirteen yet, and the terms of service for all of those apps require you to be thirteen. So it might feel like I’m the buzzkill, but it’s not just me. Secondly, there is a reason why I will be helping you learn how to use social media when you are allowed to get it, and it’s the same reason I make sure I get to know all of your teachers and why I am the one on the team contact app. As you get older, you might run into older teens and adults who find you attractive even though they know and you know that you are too young to ‘be with’ them. So instead of asking you out or making it clear that they want to get into a relationship with you, they will start by asking you to do them favors, asking you to keep secrets, and asking you to do things that make it seem like you have a special status. And then they can use the relationship they’ve built with you to manipulate you into doing things with them that are not appropriate for a kid your age. People who do this are very, very good at it, and it would be unfair for me, as your mom, to expect you to avoid people like this without first learning how to. So when you start on social media and branch out into social settings by yourself, we’ll keep touching base and talking about who you are hanging out with, who is sending you messages, and all that stuff. And after a while, you’ll start to get a gut feeling about what feels right and what might be sus—and act accordingly! And finally—your digital footprint will follow you around forever. I promise you’ll thank me when you have fewer cringey old posts following you around than your friends do.”
Curiosity and Self-Esteem
Adolescence (ages 12+)
“It’s not a bad thing for you to be curious about bodies. No, it doesn’t make you gross. It doesn’t make you impure. It doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with you or that you’re a slut. It just means you’re curious. There are lots of different opinions about curiosity and about bodies, but I need you to know this: I know that you’re curious, and that’s okay. There are safe places to look to learn about sex and intimacy and bodies.”
“Your curiosity does not label you. Wondering what another person’s body looks like, or needing to know the definition of a term does not mean you suddenly have a label attached to you based on your curiosity. If you want to see pictures of other people’s bodies who happen to be the same sex as you, that’s okay—it’s normal to be curious. Just because you want to understand what a term you read means does not mean that you want to do it. Just know that curiosity and identity are not the same thing, and curiosity does not dictate who you are.”
The Spank Bank (13+)
It has come to my attention that not everyone has seen the classic 1999 film 10 Things I Hate About You, and as such, do not have a frame of reference for the term “spank bank.” In the film, a character is trying to dissuade his friend from pining after a girl. He tells the lust-struck young man that he has no shot with the very popular young woman and says, “Add her to your spank bank and move on.”
People often use pictures, movie scenes, fine art, literature, and mental images of other people as inspiration during self-pleasure. A “spank bank” is a repository of tried-and-true, go-to mental (and sometimes physical) images that an individual can access in private for such inspiration, rather than having to seek new inspiration every time.
As a counselor of young people, I have come to very much appreciate the idea of a spank bank. One of the most concerning trends I have seen in recent years is both the rate of porn addiction in young people, and the escalation of porn search themes and topics. As I was researching how to deal with this for both my clients and my own children, I was reminded of the concept of a spank bank. Though it might seem counterintuitive for a parent to explain what a spank bank is or encourage their child to have one, the logic is straightforward—better to tell your kid that you know they might be using inspiration and offer guidelines than have them end up seeking questionable, escalating inspiration online. And I’m not the only person who has thought of this—while writing this book, I asked a friend if she knew the term “spank bank” and she replied, “Oh yeah, I’m pretty sure I’ve heard Eric [her husband] talking about that with Luke [her teenage son]. We’d rather he have some go-tos than end up on PornHub or something.”
“Hey, do you know what he means by ‘spank bank’? Okay. So you get it that a spank bank is basically a group of tried-and-true images or inspiration for someone to masturbate to. Okay, listen. Here’s the thing. It’s totally normal to be turned on by other people’s bodies, right? That’s a thing we’ve talked about, and it’s also totally normal to have specific things that do it for you. And here’s the deal. If there’s a particular scene in a movie or portion of a book or image that you’ve seen in a magazine that really revs your engine, go ahead and turn it on. People use ‘inspiration’ like pictures, movie scenes, and porn to masturbate, and they have since time immemorial. If I’m not home, if I’m out shopping and you want to pop in the DVD to watch that one scene from that one movie … like, just … all I ask is that you lock the door so I don’t walk in on anything. I don’t think that’s weird or wrong. It’s totally okay, and having those kinds of things in your back pocket can protect you from looking for new and exciting things that may not be in your best interest. Okay, fine. I promise I won’t bring this up again while we finish the movie. Just know that that’s where I stand.”
How to Help When They (Inevitably) Screw Up (ages 12+)
As parents, we need to consider how we’re going to handle our children’s panic when they screw up, because our kids are going to screw up. They’re going to see things they didn’t intend to look at; they’re going to search for things we wish they wouldn’t; and even if they don’t actively look for it, they might stumble upon things that gross both of us out and make us feel weird. I am of the opinion that we have to decide how we’re going to handle it before this happens, because allowing our emotions to get the better of us in the moment is often where we end up unintentionally doing damage to the relationship. Much like the story that began this chapter, we have to think about what we’re going to do when our kids feel like they’ve done something unforgivable. The answer, of course, is that any response must remind them they are always worthy of our love and compassion and grace, and then help them figure out how to rectify what they may have done.
Something even scarier is the possibility that the mistake made might include our child finding something that is actively harmful to the person in the photo, post, or video they’ve seen. How do we handle it if our child interacts with something that is legitimately illegal and reportable to the authorities? How do we respond to that? How do we know that our children will even come to us if that happens? The best way I can think of is to address it head-on, to say to our children flat out:
“If you see something where someone is being harmed, even if you’re worried that I’m going to be mad about it, I need you to tell me. Because the only way that we can keep your brain safe and try to prevent harm coming to people is if we can report what we found. There are people whose whole job is to try to shut down people who are harming others. And if we can be part of that by reporting things we see that we know are wrong, then that’s what we can do to help. Even if you’re worried that I’m going to be upset that you were on the wrong side of the internet, even if you have to disclose to me that you were downloading things when we talked about you not doing that, even if you’re worried that I’m going to judge your preferences, I need you to know that none of that will come before me saying thank you for trying to keep people safe. Let’s deal with the problem at hand. I will never stop loving you, even if the mistake you made feels huge.”
CHAPTER 13: IN BRIEF
Curiosity about the human form and the use of imagery like sculptures, paintings, and eventually photographs for sexual stimulation have been part of human life for centuries. Acknowledging this fact of our existence and determining how to navigate the recent boom in the availability of pornographic images and videos is one of the more difficult tasks parents face. There is not a lot of research on the impact of pornography on developing brains, so I propose a moderate approach.
Key Takeaways
Curiosity is normal and is nothing to be ashamed of. However, curiosity should be guided into outlets that have a longer, slightly more researched history, like still images, art, and literature.
The internet is full of information—some of it is helpful, a large part of it is not. Please think before you click and take most results with a grain of salt.
The internet is also forever—children should be restricted from creating online personas and social media accounts until they can cognitively grapple with the abstract idea of a digital footprint.
Pornographic videos do not depict real human relationships, and many available for free online are produced unethically—children should avoid them for the safety of their brain development.
If a child admits to having viewed pornography or to seeking it out, parents should react compassionately while also setting boundaries to protect their child’s developing brain.
CHAPTER 14 Pride
I didn’t figure out how tiny my world really was until I attended All State Choir. The town where I grew up wasn’t exactly diverse. Beyond the representation I saw on TV, my world was very straight and white. That didn’t change until I went to All State Choir camp, where I was introduced to other kids my age from all walks of life, some of whom were openly gay. The way in which this expanded my world was one of the highlights of the experience, and I’m grateful that my children are growing up at a time when more people feel able to live as their authentic selves.
