But we still have a long way to go toward equal representation and universal acceptance. It can be hard to move away from heteronormative speech and into discussing what might be an uncomfortable topic for you as a parent, especially if your values do not align with non-heteronormative ways of living. I acknowledge this difficulty, and I applaud your willingness to engage with the challenge. If you are struggling—if you are feeling like you shouldn’t discuss these topics with your children as they grow—please consider this: When you get to the heart of the issue, your children’s safety, and sexual safety in particular, is much more important than your potential discomfort at having to answer questions about a community to which you don’t belong, or about a lifestyle with which you may not agree.
Before we go too far, it’s important that we discuss some definitions and clarify some concepts so that everything we discuss going forward is understandable and correct—and so that you can address these subjects confidently with your children.
Biological sex generally refers to the physical sex characteristics present on an individual, most commonly primary sex characteristics like a penis or vagina. Biological sex exists on a spectrum that is influenced by factors including genetics, fetal development, and hormones. The sexes I will refer to are male (having a penis), female (having a vagina), and intersex (having ambiguous physical sex characteristics).
Gender refers to the socially constructed characteristics attributed to masculinity and femininity. In other words, gender is the collection of attributes that determine if someone is a “woman” or a “man.” Gender is typically assigned to an individual at birth depending on what external primary sex characteristics they possess.
Gender identity is an individual’s own understanding of their gender, and its relationship with their culture’s expectations of masculinity and femininity, as well as the labels (man, woman, nonbinary, agender) attributed to each.
Gender expression is the outward representation of gender. This includes physical attributes like clothing, hairstyle, and accessories, as well as other forms of expression like voice modulation and pitch, behavior, name, pronouns, and other factors that may or may not align with societal definitions of masculinity and femininity.
Trans, as in transperson, transgender person, transwoman, or transman, refers to an individual whose gender identity does not align with the gender they were assigned at birth. They may or may not choose to outwardly transition their external gender expression to match their internal gender identity.
Sexuality refers to an individual’s place on the spectrum of sexual attraction. There are several clinical and research scales that can help categorize where people may fall on this spectrum, but some of the identities include straight (attracted to the opposite sex), gay (attracted to the same sex), lesbian (attracted to the same sex; specific to women), bisexual or pansexual (attracted to individuals irrespective of their gender or sex), and asexual (no sexual attraction).
I wish I had the space in this book to fully answer all the questions you and your kids might have about LGBTQ+ topics, but the reality is that I do not. There are too many nuances and complexities in the world of human development for me to be able to do them justice. Instead of trying to jam little bits and pieces into paragraphs and fail to get enough accurate information to you, I have provided a list of books, websites, and other resources in the back of this book (see page 285).
What I can cover in this book are some of the more common topics that may come up with all children, regardless of identity. If you have to choose between asking your child to fend for themselves with the potentially questionable information they are able to find on their own and providing your child with information that keeps them safe, you’re going to pick safety every time. Even if it makes you uncomfortable. Even if it means your child may not share your values. Even if it means seeking out answers to questions you never wanted to ask—your primary goal is to make sure they have the information that will help them be safe. Because this safety is not just about their development—it’s their life, and the research out there already shows this. A study published in the journal Pediatrics found that lesbian, gay, and bisexual children who were rejected by their families were 8.4 times more likely to have attempted suicide, 5.9 times more likely to report high levels of depression, and 3.4 times more likely to use illegal drugs.
I want to be very, very clear: You may think that gay people should not be allowed to get married. You might feel like transgender people are crazy. In the context of this book, none of that matters. You are your child’s first teacher—about life, about love, and about family. You have the opportunity to model empathy, compassion, and a willingness to learn. Furthermore, by demonstrating a willingness and exercising your responsibility to see your child’s humanity first and foremost, you may be improving their overall health outcomes. Family acceptance has been found to be a protective factor for LGBTQ+ youth, and predicts greater self-esteem, social support, and generally positive health outcomes. This may be additionally beneficial to LGBTQ+ youth who are bullied at school about their identity, as they have been found to have higher rates of negative health outcomes in adulthood.
Learning how to find community can be really difficult for kids, especially as they’re navigating their identity. Knowing who to reach out to for support or where to ask questions can be particularly hard for kids who were not raised surrounded by representation or with people in their close inner circle who also belonged to the LGBTQ+ community. Cultural ideas like slang, rules and norms, and how to navigate the social aspects of their identity are generally only taught by people within the community. One of the things we as parents can do is figure out how to create community for our kids. Seeking out organizations that support LGBTQ+ kids as well as their families and allies is a great first step in building this community for our children and for ourselves (see the resources section on page 285 for some recommendations).
For our kids’ entire lives, they will see us for who we are and recognize our morals and values in our actions. This is great when we’re trying to model our beliefs and help our children make choices that we think will benefit them over the course of their lives. However, it can also be a double-edged sword, especially if we’ve let our children see things that make them feel invalidated or unsafe. What I mean is, how do we do mitigate the damage if we’ve done or said homophobic, transphobic, or other harmful things in front of our child who identifies as gay, or trans, or otherwise feels hurt by what we’ve done? How do we show them that we are safe if we’ve previously demonstrated unsafe behavior? How do we bring back unconditional positive regard if we’ve shown that in some situations, our positive regard is actually … conditional? I believe the first step, as with everything, is communication: acknowledging the mistake we made, identifying with our child what they may have internalized from witnessing the mistake, and reestablishing the truth of our unconditional love and unconditional positive regard. Acknowledging a mistake in this way is a skill that many people struggle with—I’ve heard it from lots of clients: Knowing how to apologize is something they don’t have a lot of practice with, and it can be incredibly hard to find the words, especially when the mistake was an expression of a core belief.
As we venture into these sample scripts, please remember that we are doing so with our Foundation of Unconditional Positive Regard, and our respect for Curiosity and Consent for Knowledge centered in our minds.
Sample Scripts: Early Adolescence (ages 10 to 13)
Identity Exploration (ages 10+)
As parents, it might be difficult to remember what middle school identity panic felt like. We feel so comfortable in who we are as grown-ups that we forget how difficult it was to figure out where we fit when we were preteens or teenagers. When our children are going through the period of life where they’re trying to figure out where they fit, they may try on identities that we know nothing about. Some folks may feel the need to react in some specific or strong way, while other folks may react without thinking at all. Identity development is a complex, nuanced, important topic that cannot be covered in one conversation, but the Foundations of Unconditional Positive Regard and Curiosity both come in handy when discussing identity with growing children. What I can also say from professional experience is that children are likely to cycle through several different versions of themselves before they begin to feel comfortable in who they are.
As you read earlier, the best outcomes for all kids occur when they are developing in a supportive environment where they feel safe and accepted for who they are. For parents who do not belong to the LGBTQ+ community and for parents who view themselves as allies, it’s important to consider how you might handle your child processing their identity exploration with you and how you might handle it if they come out to you, before it ever happens. It’s also valuable to be familiar with the definitions covered earlier in this chapter and prepared to define them for your children.
“Hey, I’ve noticed you’ve been a little bit quiet lately and you’ve switched up your look quite a bit, is something going on? No? Okay. Well, I just wanted to remind you that, like, at this stage of your life, it’s okay to be unsure of who you are and what you think about things. And I’m going to love you regardless. Remember, labels are for soup cans. Right now in your life, you’re figuring out who you are and figuring out what you like and what makes you feel good emotionally and physically. It’s okay to not be sure about anything right yet. I love you, forever and always. You can be flexible and make discoveries about yourself for as long as you live, and nothing is going to change how I feel about you or how any of the people who love you feel about you, okay? So you don’t need to feel like you need to label yourself or give me any sort of definition. Or announce to the world anything about yourself until you’re ready, and maybe even not ever. And if you do decide on a label, I am happy to know about it when you’re ready to share it. Okay? Okay. I just wanted you to know.”
“I need you to know that you don’t owe anybody your story. We’ve talked before about how labels are for soup cans, and that you don’t have to even have a label for yourself. But I also want you to know that if you’ve decided on a label, you don’t owe anybody to share it. You get to decide what your level of privacy is and how you want to live your life. We’ve seen a lot of stories about how people ‘came out of the closet.’ Those folks coming out and being open with their lives—that’s super great for them. I’m proud of people who feel that that’s the best choice for them, and I will be proud of you, too, if that’s the choice you make. But I want you to know that you don’t have to do that until you’re ready, and maybe not even ever. There are people who choose to keep their lives private, and you’re allowed to do that. You’re also allowed to tell only some people, or to tell everyone—your story is yours, and I will support you in whatever choice you make.”
“Thank you for choosing to come out to me. I know that can be a big step, and I’m really grateful that you decided to include me in it. I’m proud of you and I love you.”
As much as we hope that our children feel like they can come out to us, we must contend with the fact that they may not. Regardless of the reason why—fear, shame, or otherwise—our children may choose to be “out” in spaces like school or with friends, but not to us. That may send you through a whole gamut of emotions, wondering why they didn’t tell you first. I encourage you to process those emotions by reaching out to friends, family, and social connections who feel the same way you do about unconditional positive regard. Resist the urge to process (or even express) complicated or mixed emotions about this change to your child. They are navigating their identity expression—what they need from you is support.
“Hey, I noticed you changed your pronouns on the school website. Would you like me to use those same pronouns? I will do my best to and I will remind our friends and family to do that if you’d like.”
“Someone asked me today if I liked your new boyfriend, and I told them I’m still getting to know him, but you seem happy. You don’t have to tell me about him—I’m sure you have reasons why you haven’t told me about him so far, and that’s okay—I just want you to know that what I care about most is that you are happy and safe, not what gender your partner is.”
Love Is Love
One of the more vocal arguments against representation or discussion of queer relationships is that “young children shouldn’t be exposed to that.” This, of course, ignores that plenty of children grow up to be queer in some way—the survey of US Census information from 2021 found that of adults age eighteen and older, 4.4 percent identify as bisexual, 3.3 percent identify as gay or lesbian, and 4 percent identify as “something else” or are unsure where they fall on the sexuality spectrum. The protest also ignores that there are children right now growing up with queer parents. As we’ve talked about before, acknowledging and affirming that something happens—in this case, people have sex—does not make it happen. The same applies with acknowledging and affirming queer couples—it’s not going to make children queer. What it will do is show your children that you want people to exist in happy, healthy relationships, regardless of their identities.
I remember getting stopped by the principal of the school where my child was in kindergarten. The school had received a call from the parent of a classmate who was upset about my child. “Yeah, apparently your son and their son were playing house with another little girl. She said she wanted to be the dog instead of the mom, so your son said to the other boy that they could just both be dads of the dog. Their son came home and told his folks and they’re pretty upset. It might be best to have your son keep that kind of stuff at home.” I told the principal that I would not be doing that—at the time, Minnesota had just passed legislation legalizing gay marriage, and my son had several gay families in his life that he was not going to be raised to be ashamed of. I pointed this out to the principal—that gay marriage was the law of the state and likely to soon be law of the land—and to my pleasant surprise, he agreed with me. It unfortunately meant that the parents of the other little boy forbid him from playing with my son, but I hope that even that small interaction let that little boy know he didn’t have to feel the same way.
“Did you know that boys can marry boys and girls can marry girls? It’s true! A grown-up can love any other consenting grown-up!”
“I heard someone in your school say that something they didn’t like was ‘gay.’ And I wanted to touch base with you about it because ‘gay’ isn’t a word to describe bad stuff—it’s what a relationship is called when a man loves a man. When a woman loves a woman, they are called lesbians. Some people don’t feel like they want to be in a relationship with anyone, and they’re called asexual. And some people love all kinds of other people, and they’re called bisexual, or pansexual. None of those words are insults or used to describe bad things, so I wanted to make sure you know what they meant.”
“I wanted to touch base and make sure we are both on the same page about how growing up is going. Does that sound fair? Okay. Well, I wanted to make sure that we’re both speaking the same language about bodies and identity. You know that me and your dad are a married couple, but did you know that we’re what people call a straight couple? Yep! We’re straight, or heterosexual, because I’m a woman and your dad is a man and we’re attracted to each other. Some other couples that have two men, or two women might be called gay, or lesbian, or queer. Yup! And as you grow up, you’ll figure out what kind of couple you might want to be in.”
“Remember, when I say ‘men’ and ‘women,’ I mean anyone who identifies as a man or anyone who identifies as a woman. Mom’s friend Eddie is a transman, but I just call him a man. So when I talk about relationships between men and women, that includes trans folks!”
“Same-sex relationships really aren’t any different than heterosexual relationships. They still involve people getting to know each other, deciding that they like and appreciate the other person and want to spend more time with them. Same-sex couples still have to talk about consent, and boundaries, and goals, and expectations, and work on establishing a healthy relationship with good communication.”
Discussing Other Types of Sex (ages 10+)
“We’ve talked before about how sex is to make babies, and also that it feels good. Before, when we’ve talked about sex, we’ve been talking about what’s called vaginal sex, or heterosexual sex. That means that one person has a penis, and one person has a vagina. For people who have the same parts—two people with a penis, or two people with a vagina—they have sex, too. The sex they have feels good for them but doesn’t make babies. All kinds of sex should only happen between grown-ups who talked about their choice and have given consent to each other.
“Sometimes grown-ups put their mouths on the other person’s genitals—that is called oral sex. Another kind of sex is when one grown-up puts a part of their body like their fingers or penis into the anus of another grown-up. That is called anal sex. These kinds of sex still follow the same rules—they are for consenting grown-ups who are following the Five Pillars of Safe Sex.”
Later Adolescence Scripts and Reminders (ages 13 and older)
It’s important to remember that the Five Pillars of Safe Sex apply to all kinds of sex and should be reviewed with children irrespective of their sexuality or gender identity. Same-sex couples may not face the same pregnancy risks that heterosexual couples do, but they still have to contend with potential health risks of sexual behavior, and still need the support of their parents in navigating their choices.
“I know you and your partner have been together a pretty long time now—I’m glad to see you so happy. I can see you cringing, but I just want to remind you—even though y’all are the same sex, you still need to be using protection when you have sex. I know, I know, you’re not risking any babies. But protection is still necessary to prevent STIs.”
“Reminder: The condoms are under the sink. They need to be used for any penetration—oral, vaginal, or anal. Yes, every time. The thin black box is non-latex, if that’s necessary.”
“Oral sex on someone with a vulva requires a dental dam. You can just take a condom, cut the tip off, then cut it lengthwise. That way the latex can be held up and make a thin barrier between the vulva and vagina and the other person’s mouth. Because yes, you can still get STIs from oral sex.”
