On Body Dysmorphia
As you’ve no doubt figured out, I almost exclusively use biological terms when discussing bodies. This helps avoid confusion and helps my children advocate for themselves effectively. However, I don’t believe that everyone should use biological terms exclusively. Some limited studies have found that for kids experiencing gender dysphoria or body dysmorphia, choosing to use alternative, agreed-upon names for certain body parts may be a way to ease communication and improve discomfort. For example, I may choose to opt for “chest” rather than “breasts” for a child who is questioning their gender. “Chest” is a genderless and accurate term, whereas “breasts” is generally perceived to be gendered. This mode of communication may take some getting used to and will almost certainly require advocacy from you as a caregiver when dealing with people like physicians, but for tweens and teens who are struggling to communicate, taking gender off the table entirely may be a helpful strategy.
CHAPTER 14: IN BRIEF
Moving from heteronormative discussions of sex into conversations that include the entire spectrum of sexual identities, gender identities, and romantic identities can be difficult and awkward, particularly for parents who are not part of the LGBTQ+ community, but it is a necessary part of providing children with a comprehensive picture of sex and relationships. This requires parents to educate themselves on topics that may not make them comfortable, but that can prove to be vital in their child’s future.
Key Takeaways
Family acceptance plays a huge role in the health outcomes of LGBTQ+ youth. Reiterating unconditional love and unconditional positive regard should be the first step in discussions of any topics related to LGBTQ+ identity.
Queer relationships are not fundamentally different than straight relationships—they are based on the same factors, including intimacy, passion, communication, respect, and commitment.
Other forms of sex, which occur in the context of same-sex and heterosexual relationships, including anal sex and oral sex, should be discussed with the same biological precision as vaginal sex.
All sexual contact—same-sex, heterosexual, oral, and non-penetrative—should all be practiced within the boundaries of the Five Pillars of Safe Sex.
When in doubt, reach out to professional organizations to help guide you and your child with accurate, compassionate, science-based information.
CHAPTER 15 Remember, Remember.
I will never forget coming home to tell my mom that I was pregnant for the first time. I was nineteen years old, living with a roommate some three hours from home. I had a very unstable work history and had dropped out of college because I couldn’t balance a 17-credit course load with living off-campus and working forty hours a week. My on-again, off-again boyfriend was absolutely not going to acknowledge or support a pregnancy.
I sat her down in the great room of my childhood home. My dad had been dead for four years, and our relationship had been rocky in the aftermath—our co-occurring grief mixed with the rebelliousness of my teen years was not a great combination. I was beyond nervous—my stomach was swinging between “lava pit” and “Stonehenge” and was definitely not going to settle anytime soon. I gathered up the words … and promptly lost them. I had to just show her the paper from the doctor that had the undeniable results:
Pregnancy: POSITIVE
My mom took the paper from my hands, and I don’t think I breathed at all while she read it. She took the information in, looked at my face and said, “Well, if this is true … what’s the plan?”
“I’m going to keep it.”
“Have you told anyone else?”
“No.”
“We need to tell your sister.”
My older sister was as close to a second mom as she could humanly be. She had nannied me every summer through most of my childhood and taken in my younger brother and me after my father died unexpectedly and my mother was hospitalized for several months.
I started to cry. “Mom, I can’t tell her. I can’t say the words to her.”
“I’ll tell her.”
She called my sister and gave her the news. My sister was both scared for me and a bit disappointed in me (my mom was, too—they knew this wasn’t going to be an easy road), but offered nothing but unconditional love, guidance, and support that made an indelible mark on my soul. Both my mom and my sister have been instrumental in the raising of my eldest child, and they were the models I used when it came time to show my children what unconditional positive regard looks like.
Writing this book, I had to identify takeaways. What did I think was the most important thing for a person reading this book to walk away remembering? And even though each chapter has its own list, the overall, whole-book list was surprisingly short. It really is only two things: 1) your child should always know that you care about them before anything else—that there’s nothing they can do to make you stop loving them. And 2) presenting information to our kids doesn’t make anything happen—it can help keep them safe. Teaching your children the facts about sex, how to look for accurate information about sex online, or the steps to being safe during sex will not make your children suddenly decide to become sexually active, or change who they are inside. Knowledge of physical health does not compromise a child’s morality—all it does is give them information that can help keep them safe.
With that in mind, there are some thoughts I haven’t yet shared that we need to address before we part. These are the heavy hitters—the ones that many of us will wrestle with, because they are so different from how we were raised. The cycle-breaking conversations. The “I love you and trust you to make the right choice for you” discussions. Things are way different now for teenagers than they were when we were teenagers. Social media, the internet, and lightning-quick access to both information and consequences are things we didn’t have to grapple with. Before we, as parents, can have these scary conversations, we need to do a lot of self-reflection. We have to work on our own emotional regulation so that when our kids need us to be there to support them, we aren’t stuck in our own feelings, or reliving our own traumas and mistakes and projecting our hurt onto their potential choices.
We also have to remember that getting hurt is part of how we grow and learn what we will and won’t accept. It sucks to watch your child cry over a crappy breakup. It’s almost unbearable to watch the aftermath of a relationship riddled with coercion you were powerless to stop. Our kids are going to make mistakes, and it’s going to be so hard to watch them do it when we could just … tell them what they’ll learn from it. But for some of us—myself included—the only way to learn is from experience, even if it’s going to be painful. And we know that we’ll be there for them while they process the finding-out.
I want you to remember that accurate information does not have to be at war with your deeply held beliefs. Your personal moral compass, your inner voice, or your faith can be unshakable, and you can still provide your kids with information to help keep them safe. Believe me when I tell you that you can believe that waiting for marriage is the best way to treat sexual activity and provide safe-sex information to your kids. They are not and shouldn’t be mutually exclusive, in part because your kids might decide not to wait. A good approach for a parent who wants to impart both accurate facts and a reminder of their values might sound like this:
“We have talked about a lot of body-related things. You got more information than I ever had at your age, because I believe that you need that info to keep you safe. I tell you over and over that I will always love you, and that will always be true. Because I love you, I want you to know that I think choosing not to have sex until you’re married is really important, too.”
Children are going to make great choices, and they’re going to screw up—and they might screw up big. When I tell my children there’s nothing they can do to make me stop loving them, that is the truth. There is literally nothing. There is also nothing that will shake my unconditional positive regard for my children. I can say this with the confidence I do because I have thought how I would respond to scenarios that range from the most joyous and exciting to the most undesirable, unexpected, or unlikely.
I’ve thought about what I would say if my child said they’re pregnant or their partner was pregnant. How I would thank them for trusting me enough to tell me. How I would remind them that I love them, always. That I would ask, first and foremost, if they felt safe. If their partner was safe. I’ve thought about how I would educate them on their options and remind them that the decision about what happens next is not mine to make. How I would help them navigate their choices while also respecting my own boundaries. How I might support them in talking to their partner’s parents and help them plan for their future, whichever path they chose.
I’ve reflected on how I would respond if my child came to me and disclosed that they had a STI, knowing that the first step would be to follow up with their usual doctor because they know my child’s history and will be able to help set up a course of treatment. I would have to ask the tough questions and see if they know who they might have gotten it from, or if they may have given it to anyone else that needs to be contacted.
I’ve already had to face a child who told me that they were ready to date. I remember being apprehensive but happy that he had found someone he liked. I wondered if I knew this person, and finding out that I didn’t threw me for a loop! I remember feeling like I had to go through every single dating rule and safe-sex tip with him, but talking myself off the ledge and simply reminding my child that he could text me for an out at any point, and that I hoped the person he was going out with was a nice person. Then I sat back to wait for him to get home from his first-ever solo date, and had myself a good ol’ thought spiral about what I would do if he came to me and said he was sure he’d met “the one.” How it would take Herculean effort to not invalidate his feelings while I tried to steer him back to planning his own future. Turns out, I didn’t need to worry about it—he and the lovely young human he went on his first date with broke up after a bit. His next partner was lovely, and they both worked toward lots of different dreams while they were together. Regardless of what happens next, I’m grateful for the thought exercises I’ve put myself through, just in case he or his sisters ever decide to test me.
Even though I’ve got one child almost in adulthood, I don’t feel like I’ve got this whole “talking about love, bodies, and sex” thing handled completely, because each and every child is different. The way I address things will need to be tailored to each kid, and I’ll need to identify where they need support and where they are ready to fly free. I will have to have conversations with my daughters framed in a different way than I did with my son, because gender impacts the ways people interact with the world, and sex influences the ways we must take care of ourselves.
For example, when it was time to talk to my son about birth control, the options were pretty straightforward because of his biological sex. But if either of my daughters ever come to me asking for birth control, I will have to discuss several different options that vary in suitability based on their intended uses: Are they for controlling cramps? Preventing pregnancy? I will probably have to get in the weeds a bit more than just “there’s a box of condoms under the sink, use them if you need them.” Unfortunately, for people with a uterus, the systems required to maintain birth control are somewhat more complicated than for people with a penis.
But thankfully I’ve thought long and hard about how I will carry out these discussions when the time comes. I’ve reflected on how I will handle each and every one of the above-mentioned scenarios, and several more that I never addressed in this book. And I’ve made sure that my ideal responses align first and foremost with my beliefs in unconditional positive regard and children’s safety. These situations are not easy to think about. I’ve shed many tears considering what boundaries might look like if I found out my child was actively harming someone. I’ve calmed my internal rage when I’ve thought about what it might look like to protect my child if they were being actively hurt. I’ve researched how to help my child obtain long-term pregnancy protection from methods like implants or shots as a way to keep their future bright and so they would not have to consider any other alternatives. Because I’ve acknowledged the painful truth that not all sexual encounters are my child’s choice. These are hard topics to wrestle with, and I’m so proud of you, reader, for beginning the journey of reflecting on these topics by reading this book.
There is no one-size-fits-all way to have these priceless conversations with our kids, because no two kids are the same. Though I can read through most of this book and repeat the scripts to my children verbatim, you will have to find your voice with your children. You can look through Mechanics and Specifics for inspiration to help guide the talks, but you will find the way to make them the right fit for you and your kids. I know you can do it, because you will have the Foundations of Unconditional Positive Regard, Curiosity, and Consent leading you both through their scary, confusing, hilarious, and unforgettable childhood years. And even if things don’t go perfectly—we know they won’t—one day you’ll wake up to see your functional, happy, adult children, and smile. Because you’ll know that you never let the birds, the bees, or the elephant in the room be ignored.
Recommended Resources and Further Reading
General Information and Conversation Starters by Age Range
Early Childhood (birth to age 6)
Books
