“Then why?”

Jun takes another deep breath and closes his eyes. He breathes out through his nose, laughing again, but it feels self-deprecating. “Because my nature is developing a mind of its own, despite the fact that you’re not even fully awakened yet.”

“So this is a good thing?” I know that only purebreds’ and first-gens’ irises do this. Anyone ranked lower, human research assumes their blood potency isn’t strong enough. So of course, we don’t have any solid information on it since we rarely have the opportunity to work with higher-ranked vamps. The Harukas and Juns of the world don’t divulge the secrets of their biology to human scientists and researchers. Why the hell should they?

He turns his head to look at me. I’m amazed yet again as his eyes slowly shift back into onyx marbles. “Yes, it’s a good thing,” he says. “And I accept your generous offer. Thank you.”

I sit straighter, my heart still warm. “Good. You’re welcome.”

Junichi sits upright as well. I shift back to let him, but then he threads the fingers of one hand against the back of my head. He presses our foreheads together, and his breath caresses my mouth as he whispers, “If you change your mind once you’ve awakened, just tell me. I never want you to feel burdened, alright? You’re not locked into this.”

“I won’t change my mind.” I tilt my head and press into his full lips. His jaw drops and he holds me against the kiss even tighter, searching me with his tongue. God…

How could he ever be a burden to me? I want to tell him it’s not possible and that I wish I were locked into it somehow. I wish that… he was officially mine and I were his—that I could wake up every day with that assurance. This bizarre path I’m on and its innumerable uncertainties. How wonderful would it be to know Jun would always be there? This vampire that I’m absolutely in love with would always be with me and I’d never be alone again.

Of course, I don’t say any of that because I’ve probably said too much already. Instead, I just kiss him. Openly and like he means everything to me—because he does. Being with him, learning all these veiled insights within vampire culture, studying with Haruka and launching the surrogate program—it’s all a dream, and Jun is at the center of it.

I’m kissing him, just hoping that somehow, he understands how I feel.

Thirty-Three

Jae

On Wednesday morning I’m sitting on the tatami in Haruka’s office as per our usual routine. He’s at his low desk table reviewing aristocracy requests while I’m reading a memoir written by a seventeenth-century purebred vampire. I’m exhausted, for some reason, but it’s incredibly interesting.

This French vampire bloke intellectually fancied some human woman scientist, but drinking her blood was slowly killing him. He documents his decline and the impact of it on his body, questioning his choice of love over personal well-being. Haruka says the memoir is famous within vampire culture for two reasons. One, it was the first written account of what physically happens to ranked vampires when they feed from humans long term (in gruesome, step-by-step detail, might I add). Two, the key takeaway is that if this purebred’s situation were truly love, there wouldn’t be such a detrimental impact to his personal health and mortality.

I told Haruka that humans would view this account much differently—that his blatant self-sacrifice is romantic. True love and devotion “despite the odds.” Haruka argued that it is self-destruction. More like a form of abuse colored with romanticized notions.

In the end, the purebred ditches the human woman and ends up mating with a first-gen female from Portugal. Haruka says they’re very happy and healthy, and still live in Paris today.

A yawn springs up from deep within my chest. God. These things feel like earthquakes inside me, the way they take over. Lifting my glasses, I wipe the tears forming at the corners of my eyes with my fingertips.

“Are you feeling alright, Jae?” Haruka asks, watching me from across the room. “You seem exceptionally tired today.”

“I’m alright.” I pull my glasses off altogether. “I slept a lot last night, so I’m not sure why I feel so tired.”

“Hm.” Haruka looks like he wants to say something, but he doesn’t. He just stares like he’s assessing me. There’s a knock on the open doorframe. When I look up, Nino is there.

“Hey, Jae.” His eyes are amber and shining in the morning light. He looks fit in dark trousers and a rich canary jumper. All of these vampires are so bloody fashionable. I wonder if this is Jun’s doing, or if this is just how they are.

“Good morning.” I smile as he moves toward me, carrying a large manila envelope.

“This came from Giovanni this morning.” Nino hands me the folder. “Feels pretty thick. Maybe it’s a good sign?”

I accept the envelope with both hands, beaming. “Yes. Very good. Excellent. I’ll review these, then compile them with the other candidates’ paperwork I have. I think I’ll have quite a few potential surrogates ready for your review next month.” Between Haruka’s local contacts and Nino’s older brother’s in Italy, I’ve started collecting surrogate data and applications. They don’t know who they’ll be a surrogate for, of course. But so far, the response has been outstanding. Haruka signed the intro letters, so I’m sure that has a lot to do with it.

Nino grins at me as he walks over to his mate. “Very exciting. Are you okay? You look pale today.”

“I’m alright. Just a little tired. But thank you for asking.”

“Sure.” He pulls a sleek black smartphone from his pocket. I assume it’s his, but he kneels down beside Haruka behind the table, places it on the surface and slides it toward him. “Why did I find this dead and underneath the bathroom sink? And last week, it was in the gap between the wall and the back of your nightstand.”

Haruka blinks his burgundy eyes like he’s just as confused as Nino. “I don’t know?”

“Right. Will you please keep track of this today?” Nino asks. “I charged it. I’ll text you if I’m running late tonight.”

Haruka looks down at the phone, pouting, as if he’s being asked to use some foreign, complex object. “Just… text Asao. He will tell me.”

“No, tesoro. I want to text you today. Tutto il giorno.”

I don’t know what Nino said since I don’t speak Italian, but there is a distinct moment of pause. Like a stand-off. Haruka sighs. “Alright…”

Nino leans in and starts frantically kissing Haruka, like rapid-fire affection—on the bridge of his nose, then his forehead and cheek. Haruka turns his face away and Nino kisses his ear and against his temple. When he’s done, Haruka is leaning away slightly, his face tightly scrunched in a smile.

Nino lifts his chin, grinning over him. “Ti amo.”

Haruka turns to look up at him. “I love you.” He reaches and grabs a fistful of Nino’s jumper at his chest, pulling him down into two quick kisses on his mouth. Nino grunts in a warm, satisfied sound, then stands and walks toward the door. He waves to me. “See you later, Jae.”

I wave back, awestruck. When I look over at Haruka, he’s shaking his head and rolling his eyes, but he’s obviously amused. These two. It feels unfair. Everyone should be able to have this. Or no one.

“My apologies.” Haruka sighs, picking up the phone and moving it to the other side of his desk.

“S’alright.” I smile. I’m honestly accustomed to it at this point. Over the past month, I’ve observed that part of the charm in their relationship is Nino lightheartedly trolling Haruka. It’s like Haruka needs it. A gentle reminder to not be so serious. When Nino does it, it’s also a reminder to me that I can openly ask Haruka questions—that he isn’t some impenetrable wall of purebred distinction and magnificence like he seems.

“Haruka… why do a vampire’s eyes glow? What does it mean?”

“The cause of our eyes alighting is heavily contextual. Generally, some deep emotion has been stirred within our natures to trigger it. It can be positive or negative.”

I nod. “Like if you’re very angry or very happy?”

“Yes, put simply.” Haruka sits up perfectly straight, folding his arms. “Our eyes alighting is a by-product of the manifestation of our vampiric auras, usually due to some significant emotion. For instance, true rage from the result of yourself or a loved one being physically threatened. On the opposite end, sincere love and passion—the inherent, deep desire for another creature. I am an exception to this general rule because I strictly maintain unique control over my nature. When I manipulate things with my energy, my eyes alight from that as well, regardless of my emotional state.”

“Is Nino the same way?”

Haruka nods. “Increasingly. As he gains more control over our shared bloodline and nature. I should note that this only occurs within creatures who possess predominantly vampiric natures.”

“Right, I know. Only purebreds and first-generations.”

“Correct.”

I slide my glasses back onto my face, thinking about the conversation Haruka and I had a few weeks ago about bonding. He’s even let me read Lore and Lust. It’s quite in-depth, and I’m still working my way through it, but it amazes me… the intimacy of vampire bonds. To be so deeply connected with another person that you can read their mind, or that their emotions register in your own body.

You drink each other’s blood. I know that statement seems mundane in the context of vampires, and recently, Jun and I do it as well, but… sometimes I still like to isolate that thought, just to let the significance and weight of it sink in.

Jun and I drink each other’s blood.

Insane.