“So, if your eyes alight for a person… maybe you’d want to bond with them?”

“Not exclusively,” Haruka says. “But the prospect is undeniably high. Your nature may tell you something—show you something fundamentally true. But there is always free will. We are driven by our natures as vampires, but we are not slaves to them.”

“Right.” Baggage. Mucks things up, doesn’t it?

After Jun and I talked on Monday, I realized I’ve never said the words “I love you” to anyone but my mum. I can’t even easily recall saying it to Dad. Maybe I did as a child. Probably. Of course, right? I had to have. But I clearly remember saying it to Mum when I was older. Especially as she got weaker and before she died. I said it all the time then.

I’m focusing on it because it feels like a phrase that’s been kept in a vault inside me, and quite unexpectedly, it’s tried to escape. These three words that I never put together in this particular, consecutive order. Not that I’ve ever said, “You love I” or “Love I you.” That’d be weird.

“Bonding seems intense,” I comment. “Like, two become one and everything is shared… You can’t lie or cheat or hide anything, ever.”

“Being bonded does not prevent a vampire from cheating, although there are heavy, painful consequences in doing so. And often, I do not disclose entire truths to my mate. However, he is the most intuitive creature that I have ever met, so my attempts at deception are more amusing to him than not.”

That makes me chuckle. Haruka definitely put the phone under the bathroom sink.

“Why do you ask?” Haruka is looking at me pointedly. I’m not sure if I should reveal that Jun’s eyes alighted in front of me (it was so gorgeous, sometimes I lie in bed and reimagine it). Jun seemed flustered in the moment. I’m sure he wouldn’t want me blabbing on about it. Just as I’m about to evade Haruka’s question, another deep yawn overtakes me, and I bring my palm to my mouth to cover it. Christ.

“Would you like to rest in the guest room before lunch?” Haruka suggests. “You seem depleted.”

I nod. It feels weird, napping at Haruka’s house, but if I’m going to do it, I’d rather lie in a proper bed than pass out in the middle of his office floor—have some dignity about it. What the hell is wrong with me?

“Thanks, Haruka, I appreciate it. I’m not sure why I’m so tired today. My apologies.”

“No apology is necessary.” Haruka smiles serenely, drawing his long body up from the floor. “Your body chemistry is drastically changing. Perhaps things are progressing?”

I stand up as well, just as another yawn comes over me. “Not sure. I feel fine… Aside from this notion of being slowly dragged underneath a sea of cotton, I’m brilliant.”

Haruka guides me to a cozy guest room just off the back garden of their home. There’s a giant, sprawling maroon-colored maple tree there, surrounded by a glassy koi pond and green grass despite the late season. It’s lovely and peaceful—perfect for napping, so I leave the door cracked open a smidge to let the chilly air in.

I lie down in the soft bed, and that thick, cottony feeling suddenly overwhelms me. My body feels heavy and my mind is drifting off somewhere far away, like my consciousness is slipping too deeply and I’m losing sight of myself. It startles me, and I want to pull myself back, fight it off somehow.

In the end, though, I can’t. I’m mentally kicking and screaming, but it’s dragging me under. Forcing me to comply.

Thirty-Four

Junichi

It’s a little after one o’clock and I’m in between clients when my phone rings. Looking at the screen, it’s Haruka. Twice now this year. Amazing.

“Hey.”

“Hello, Jun.”

“What’s going on?” I almost add how weird it is that he’s using his phone, but it’s better to let him get to the point.

“I believe Jae is transitioning. It’s time.”

I stop dead in the middle of my studio, a sense of panic in my chest. I feel like my spouse is about to give birth. Are we ready? Where’s the bag? Should we call the doctor? He is the doctor. “How do you know?”

“He has been immobile for the past two and a half hours. He seemed tired, so I thought perhaps he needed to sleep—which in and of itself is odd and unlike him, given the time of day. Now he is stirring wildly in the guest bedroom. Thrashing and sweating. You should come here if you can.”

Shit. It’s happening. God. I look at my watch. “Okay, I’ll be there in fifteen minutes. I need to cancel my clients. Is he responding to you?”

“Yes. But he is obviously discontented—as if he is fighting with what is happening to him.”

“Alright, I’ll be there soon.”

We end the call and I immediately dial out to my two o’clock client. I have four other calls I need to make afterward. Usually, I’m a stickler about cleaning up my shop and worktable before I leave, but I skip my routine today, turn off the lights and lock the door behind me.

When I arrive at the Kurashiki estate, only Haruka is there, with Sydney nervously shuffling around. Nino is in Kyoto and Asao is running errands.

“Tell him to stop resisting,” Haruka says, preceding me through the outdoor breezeway and toward the guest room where Jae is. “He’s fighting, and it is making the process more difficult.”

“How do you know all this?” I ask. “You couldn’t have read about this. You said it’s never happened before.”

“True. However, with what I do know, coupled with sheer observation, I am able to make educated guesses. He is resisting because he is afraid—which is understandable. But he needs to relax and submit to the process.”

When I step inside Jae’s room, I see exactly what Haruka means. He’s lying on the bed, but his face is scrunched, chest heaving up and down with beads of sweat running down his temples. The room is showered in cool afternoon light as I walk forward. I look back to see Haruka leaning in the doorframe with his shoulder, his hands in his pants pockets, observing.

I sit down against the edge of the bed and take Jae’s hand in mine. “Hey.” His eyes flash open, panicked and wide. Frantic and delirious, like someone with a violent fever. He settles his gaze on me, and his voice is hoarse.

“Jun—something’s happening to me and I—I can’t think straight or move!”

I scoot in closer. “You need to try and relax. Don’t fight it.”

He shakes his head against the pillow, his gaze wild. “No—It… it feels like I’m dying. I don’t want to die!”

Haruka’s deep voice is quiet from the doorway behind me. “I believe he is dying, in a sense.” I turn and frown at him. Not helpful.

I lean down over Jae’s body and into his face so that our noses touch, because I know he likes this and it comforts him. “Sunshine, you need to let your body rest and do what it needs to do. If it wants to sleep, then let it sleep.”

I can feel his breathing slowing, his body becoming slightly less tense. He deeply exhales, relaxing. When I lift, his gaze is soft, delirious, with heavy bags under his chestnut eyes. His hair is matted with sweat, but his overall demeanor is less frantic. He whispers, his voice brittle and dry, “I feel so heavy. Tired…”

“I know.”

“Don’t… Pl-please don’t leave me.”

“I won’t,” I say, smiling. “I’m right here.” My heart is so warm in my chest that my eyes are threatening to alight and betray me again, but I inhale and blow out a breath to quell the rush of emotions. “When you wake up as a shiny new first-gen, let’s talk about our life together.” It’s a bold thing to say, I know, but… I genuinely mean it. I want it. I want him. All of this—this bizarre, unprecedented circumstance is telling me that it’s time to walk away from Ren and purebred blood for good.

Finally, Jae’s expression eases and something like peace washes over his gaze. He smiles, his eyes drifting shut. “Life… together?”

“Yes.” Leaning in, I kiss him softly on the tip of his nose, then on his cheek and up to his temple. When I’m done, he’s deeply asleep. Calm and unmoving.

I sit up straight, watching him. My sleeping prince. Peaceful and lovely in the late autumn sunlight. Haruka walks forward now to stand beside me. He’s looking down at Jae quietly when I ask, “Should he have submitted? Are you sure about this?”

Haruka shrugs. “Mostly.”

“Wow.”