“Yeah. But I’m heading out. Super tired.” She yawned for emphasis, but it seemed fake. “Have fun.” She waved without waiting for a response from anyone.
I didn’t want to interrupt Sonya and Devon’s playtime, so I offered a head nod to Matt and rushed after Caz so I wouldn’t lose her in the cluster. I was a few paces back, but I wouldn't push my way through as long as I could see her. Once we reached the parking lot, away from the people and the noise, I called out to her.
She turned around wearily. “Did I drop something?” She patted her pockets and clutched her phone.
“No. I guess I thought you might want some company.” Something was wrong when she left, and I wanted to make it right.
“I appreciate you checking. But I’m good. You can go spend time with them.”
“What if I don’t want to?” I was embarrassed about how I had acted earlier and because of my prior thoughts.
Caz was a sincere person, but I had put her in a box with all the other people who had hurt me, and that wasn’t fair. And right now, something was bothering her, and I wanted to be the one who helped her through it—like she had been there for me.
“I’m going to be honest. You probably don’t want to be around me, either. I’m in my head right now, and I’m not sure it’s a good place.”
“I don’t care. That’s what friends are for.” I smiled, and she gave a half-shrug. “Do you need a ride home? You can maybe get some of those feelings out?”
“A ride would be great, but I’m not the sharing type.” I nodded because I had noticed that before, but I thought it was because she wanted to focus on me for work.
“That’s okay. We can sit in silence, too.” My goal was to show her the person I was, which was the loyal type, not the leaving type.
“Thanks.” Her expression was somber, but there appeared to be a slight smile behind her eyes, and I hoped I caused it.
Chapter 15Caz
Iprobably shouldn’t have gotten into Shiloh’s Prius with her because my mind was a mess. When I first saw her tonight, I felt relieved she was okay, but then my conversation with Matrix popped back into my thoughts, and I wondered if he had been right. Did I have more interest in Shiloh than just helping her?
Was I on edge because so much appeared to be changing for Matrix and I was standing still? He was the only person I ever opened up to, which wasn’t a lot, but finding out he had been keeping so much from me made me feel even more alone. And it wasn’t like they were small events—they were life-changing. Then, I questioned if he would continue to produce the show. Did I even want to continue with the show? I spiraled down a rabbit hole of doubt, wondering if there was a path back to reality.
I turned to look at Shiloh while she focused on the road. Her hair was tucked behind her ear, and she was wearing her standard gray shirt. It was different from the one this afternoon. This one was tighter and closer to the black family. She must have felt my eyes on her because she peeked my way.
“Can I ask you something?” I didn’t want to make things awkward by her catching me staring, so I figured if I spoke, she would think that was why I had been looking at her.
“Of course.”
“Is there a reason you always wear gray?” I had become accustomed to it, yet my curiosity persisted.
“Do you want the real answer or the answer I give most people?” Her voice sounded nervous but slightly playful, which I enjoyed.
“How about both?” If I were honest with myself, I would have enjoyed learning about her, regardless of the topic.
“Okay. Well, I tell most people it’s because it’s versatile and matches my shoes.”
That seemed reasonable, but now I wanted to know the truth.
“And…” I prompted her to continue.
“Well, it’s slightly embarrassing. But I have sensory issues, and too many colors and choices overwhelm me, so I stick with what keeps the peace inside my brain.”
“That’s nothing to be embarrassed about. Lots of people experience difficulties with sensory processing. Like I don’t handle loud noises very well.”
She laughed. “I’m not sure anyone does.”
“Sonya didn’t seem to mind,” I challenged.
“Well… Sonya is an exception to every rule,” she breathed out teasingly.
She was probably right. Sonya’s life seemed to be a choreographed dance to music only she could hear.
“Fair enough. Why don’t I share something personal so you don’t feel alone?”
“You can tell me anything, but you don’t have to do it because you feel sorry for me.”
“What? No. That’s not what I meant. I realize you have shared a lot with me, and even though I’m not the type to normally reciprocate, I want to with you.” That was more honest than I probably should have been, but I didn’t want to take it back.
“Okay. But only if you want to.” She was so polite.
“I’m a recluse,” I said awkwardly.
She chuckled. “I didn’t realize you were going to tell me a joke. I should have known, though. You said you weren’t much of a sharer.”
“I’m serious, Shiloh.” I didn’t know if she could tell from the tone in my voice, but she stopped laughing.
“What do you mean? You work with the public; you were out at the biggest bar opening I’ve ever seen, and you spend time with me.” She sounded confused, and I could see why.
“Two things can be true at the same time.” Many people thought they knew me based on my radio personality, but the only person who got to see my genuine self was Matrix, and now… Shiloh. “I haven’t gone on a date in three years. I rarely leave my condo unless I have to do something for work. Being alone brings me comfort.”
She didn’t say anything for a minute, but neither did I. It took a lot out of me to say that, and I was having sharer’s remorse.
