“Yes, sir. As always,” I called out, but I didn’t like feeling bullied. “Fucker,” I mumbled under my breath.
“You ready?” Matrix asked from behind me, and I jumped.
“Ready for what?”
He stared at me as if it were obvious, but there was too much chaos in my brain for me to read between the lines. “The challenge. I have the peppers and the cameras set up.”
Damn it. I had forgotten to tell him Shiloh was in again. “I’m sorry. We don’t need to do that. I will have some footage from Shiloh for you today. I already confirmed with her this morning.”
I felt bad for forgetting, but in all fairness, he probably still would have prepped because, so far, this had been a wishy-washy segment that was causing everyone anxiety—for various reasons.
“Wait a minute, so you’re back to helping her get laid?”
“No!” I screeched too loudly. “I’m helping her ask someone out. No one said anything about what they would do after that.” I wanted to scrub my eyes with bleach, thinking about Ember being near Shiloh the way I had been earlier in the shower.
“Okay. But getting her a date could most definitely lead to sex, so it’s just semantics.” He shook his head and chuckled, then a knowing look crossed his face. “Caz. Do you like her?”
“I already told you I wanted to be her friend. That’s not new.” I tried to shrug him off and go into the booth, but he was hot on my heels.
“Don’t start this again. You have feelings for her. Like more than friendly ones. I can see it in your eyes.” He pointed at me, and I pushed past him to the comfy chair.
“You can’t see anything because nothing is there. These eyes are a blank canvas.” As I tried to get my mind to sell him my lie, it betrayed me by conjuring up images of Shiloh, causing a noticeable blush to creep across my cheeks.
“I knew this would happen!” He seemed so pleased with himself until he realized my dilemma. “Oh. This is bad. Are you going through with it?” His voice held a sense of sorrow, but I didn’t want to feel his pity.
“It’s nothing but a crush that doesn’t mean anything. So, yes, I’m doing the show, and I’m already over it.” I casually shrugged, feigning disinterest.
“Caz, don’t lie to me.”
“You’re a fine one to talk. When were you going to tell me about your girlfriend? Or that you have another job?” Maybe if I threw the conversation back on him, he would drop this third-degree.
“Don’t you dare do that. I would have told you a while ago about both things, but every time I asked you to come out with me, you bailed at the last minute. I didn’t want to discuss my personal life at work, especially not my other venture. But I just told Tolken today, and I was for sure going to talk to you about things, too.” He rubbed the back of his neck, which I knew meant he was stressed.
“Are there other things you’re leaving out?” My heart raced as the thought of him leaving me floated through my mind, and I began to feel lightheaded.
“Caz, let’s produce this show and make it the best it can be. We can discuss both of our situations later.” But he didn’t have to say anymore.
I knew what was happening. He thought if he let me off the hook, then I would do the same for him. But it didn’t matter. I could see through him. He was leaving, and this would be his last show. No wonder he had been so annoyed by not having the footage he needed. He didn’t want to go out on a low note, and I didn’t want him to go at all.
“So, what’s the game plan today? Do you still want to shoot the pepper footage for backup?” He remained focused and professional while I had already mentally checked out.
I could hardly handle the Shiloh situation, and losing Matrix pushed me over the edge.
“What the fuck!” I yelled so loudly that people in the next city over probably could have heard me if we had not been in a soundproof room. I buried my face in my hands, trying to force the tears back into my ducts.
“Caz, please don’t.” Matt sat on the arm of my chair and wrapped me in a hug. “You don’t need me. You are the face and the voice of this show. Whatever you put out, your fans eat up.”
“I hate you.”
He squeezed me tighter. “That’s understandable. I make it easy.”
I curled into his arm, and he rubbed circles on my back, which reminded me of last night when Shiloh did the same thing. How had I gone from needing no one to crying in the arms of two people who I was supposed to protect—not the other way around?
“Is this your last show, then?” I sniffled but composed myself enough to ask the question.
“Technically, yes, but I’m going to help for the next two weeks to train someone new. Since your show is so popular, they will probably pull another producer from a different podcast and give them a promotion. Hopefully, that will be good for both of you because that means less training on the technical side, and they just need to learn how to work with you.”
While I knew many talented producers in the industry, I had only collaborated with Matrix. The idea of establishing a connection with someone else was soul-crushing.
“What if I quit, too? Do you have a job for me at Illumi-Links and Drinks?” I wanted to lighten the mood, but I also didn’t want to think of a time when I wouldn’t be working with him.
“I’m pretty sure I can’t afford you.” He bumped me with his elbow. “But if you come there, drinks will always be on me.” A smile lit up his face as he was fully aware that the chances of me staying in public long enough to make him regret his words were almost nonexistent.
“I don’t like it.” That was the only thing I could think of to say.
He inhaled deeply before releasing it slowly. “I’m still going to be here for you.”
I tilted my head. “It’s not the same, and you know it.”
“You’re right. But it doesn’t make it less true.” He locked his puppy-dog eyes on mine, and I had to get out of here before the floodgates opened again.
I stood from the chair, and he did the same before wrapping me in a bear hug. I breathed in his scent, a blend of sweetness and earthiness that I would forever associate with him.
“I’m not doing that pepper challenge. I promise to get some good footage today, and we will end this era with a bang.”
“Of course we will. When have we not?” His smile was faint, and I could tell he was fighting back emotions, too.
“I’ll talk to you later. I better go meet Shiloh and get her prepped.” That job wasn’t much better, but the show must go on regardless of how I felt.
