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Table of Contents
About the Author
Copyright Page
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To Marin, Maria, and Virginia.
You have been the mirrors that reflected my true self, the healers who tended to my wounds, and the midwives who helped birth the woman I am today.
Thank you for being the sisters and mother figures I always needed but never knew I’d find in you. Your unwavering support, love, and guidance lit up my life in ways you’ll never know, and I am forever grateful for the profound impact you’ve had on my journey of self-discovery.
Introduction
“Heartbreak brought you home, back to yourself,” my therapist said as I cried through smeared mascara. I’d just gone through the worst breakup of my life.
“Well, this shit hurts!” I sobbed.
“Good,” she said. She’d seen me struggle through this relationship, and her honesty was welcome within the bond that we’d built. “Otherwise you’d keep repeating the same patterns with the same jerk, and you wouldn’t be here about to embark on the journey back to yourself.” She was direct, with a mastery of shifting between the lace glove and iron fist—mirroring my emotional turmoil back to me so I could see how much pain he was putting me through. She’d seen me through the ups and downs, heard me refer to him as a jerk and then forget the next day. She wasn’t going to let me get away with anything. I wanted a no-nonsense therapist, and she understood the assignment.
I’d been dating someone who’d make plans, tell me, “I’m on my way,” and then not show up. He’d call hours later with an excuse, then apologize and promise to make it up to me. He would bring me gifts and do everything to make sure I’d forget what happened. This pattern left me in tears, wondering why he’d get my hopes up only to not show up physically or emotionally. Still, I was addicted to the constant ups and downs. Part of me wanted him to be sorry and make it up to me. It felt good to hear him apologize. Few people in my life ever had.
Through my therapist’s guidance, I came to see that the apologies were never followed up by meaningful change. They were simply a way to manipulate me. She pointed out that it was less about him and more about the pattern that was emerging in my own life and relationships, the toxic roller coaster I couldn’t seem to get off of. I relentlessly chased love, affection, and acceptance only to have the door slammed in my face every time. This heartbreak finally forced me to examine the ways that I had been disconnected from myself and my own emotional needs, and how I had focused on finding the love I needed from other people rather than cultivating it within myself.
My therapist showed me the harsh truth I had been afraid to confront: the patterns playing out in this relationship reflected old patterns from my earliest formative relationships. To be fully free and happy, I would need to work to understand the larger picture. At the time, I resisted the idea, but it was clear that she’d seen a version of me in many of her clients over the years. She knew us.
We’ve all been there—nursing a broken heart, silently wishing things would change, and patiently waiting for the world around us to adjust. It’s a hard place to be, isn’t it? Sometimes, it feels easier to live with the pain of heartbreak and failed relationships because at least it feels familiar. And you know what? That’s okay. It’s all part of our journey. At times, we might not be quite ready to look inward and explore our role in these relationships. That’s perfectly alright. Embracing our pain and giving it space to breathe is a significant step in our path to healing and growth. (Please note that if you have been in an abusive relationship, your abuser is responsible for that pain, always. However, there are key steps we can take to break the patterns that may repeatedly put us in toxic relationships. These steps are the focus of this book. My goal is that by following them, we can all find happiness and security in love.)
It might be a painful journey, but know that you’re not alone. I’m right there with you.
Hitting rock bottom in a toxic relationship often brings us to the painful realization that when a partner fails to love us enough, we also struggle to love ourselves.
When we choose with our wounds, we love from a place of pain. Our deep hunger for connection manifests as desperation. We “love hard” by loving too much, and, in our search for love outside of ourselves, we chase people who cannot or will not love us back.
Even if our efforts aren’t reciprocated, we accept the breadcrumbs of affection because they distract us from the truth of who we’ve become: women who don’t feel worthy of love. I understand this all too well because I was once that girl at rock bottom, wondering if there would ever be an end to the cycle of chaos and unpredictable relationships. I wanted someone else to do the hard work of loving me because I didn’t feel lovable. But deep down, I knew love shouldn’t feel like this. If you’re feeling this way too, know that you’re not alone. It’s hard to be in pain and know that you need to heal when you’re not quite sure where to start.
Navigating through the aftermath of a toxic relationship is definitely a roller coaster—it’s got its highs and lows, and some days you might feel alone and just plain tired of it all. But hey, I’ve got your back, and we’re going to take this journey together, step by step, until you find yourself again.
My therapist used to tell me that breakups, as tough as they are, bring us back to ourselves, and I’ve found that to be absolutely true. It’s like a doorway to the best version of you, even if it doesn’t feel like it right now. I managed to become the strong and loving presence that the younger me really needed, and that’s something I believe in for you, too.
This whole experience actually shaped a big part of my career. I’m a therapist, and I’ve spent a good chunk of my time working with folks who’ve been through the wringer with difficult and devastating relationships. I’ve seen it all, and it’s become my mission to help people move past the hurt of toxic partnerships and develop into thriving adults.
I started The Inner Circle, an online group membership designed to provide a safe space for women who’ve been through it all. They come together, heal, share their stories, and find strength in one another. It’s not just a support group; it’s a community of survivors who are all working toward feeling whole again.
The stories and advice I share with you in these pages are coming from a place of real experience and a genuine desire to help. I’ve been there, I’ve helped others through it, and now I’m here to help you. We’re in this together, and I believe in your strength to get through this and come out even stronger on the other side.
